Motherhood as an Adopted Person: Love, Grief, and Becoming a Mom
You pick up a Mother’s Day card that says, “Thanks for the awesome genes.” And your stomach drops.
For many adopted people, the Mother’s Day card aisle is one we’d rather avoid. Celebrating doesn’t always feel easy. Instead, the day often highlights disconnection from our families of origin and the pain of navigating complex parental relationships. For those of us who are now mothers, the day can carry a different kind of weight. It often holds both joy and unresolved emotion.
This year, we asked six adopted moms to share what motherhood has been like for them. Their reflections are raw and deeply honest. Some described how adoption shows up in motherhood on a daily basis. Others shared how becoming a parent reopened old wounds while also creating space for healing and connection. Below are their full responses.
How has being adopted shaped your experience of motherhood?
This question surfaced the deepest grief and the pain of what was never known. Some discussed the absence of maternal role models and the emotional weight of building something new from scratch.
“Being adopted has completely shaped my experience of motherhood. It has really made me realize how much I lost, missed out on and what was taken and stolen from me. I did not have the experience of being raised by my mother or any mother so I lost the bond and the experience and role modeling of what a mother was. I searched and yearned for my mother my whole life and once I became a mother it really forced me to think more deeply about my experience of displacement, loss, grief, trauma and forced assimilation.
As a mom, I lost out on having a mom to go to for support or advice as a Mom or having her around for my own children to teach them, support them and be a part of their lives. Becoming a parent forced me to seek support and resources to begin to unpack the profound complexities and impacts that being separated from my family had on my life.”
— Lina
“Motherhood has allowed me to experience a profound sense of connection to my roots through my son. Seeing him reflect my features feels like a deep, ancestral homecoming, yet it also awakens a grief for the family and culture I never got to know. My son is the bridge between what was lost and what we're now reclaiming together.”
— Sun Mee
“Motherhood shaped me in ways I’m still uncovering. It made me reflect on identity, on where I come from, and what I want to change. I think I’m a better mom because I know what I lost, and I never want my son to question how deeply he’s loved.”
— Koko
“Being separated and adopted has made my motherhood journey more complex than most mothers. It made me more aware of the significance of a birth story, to familial roots, and really brought out my personal struggle with anxiety and depression.Being adopted, I am always aware of the fissure I hold everyday, and now mothering someone else, I want to make sure both of my children don’t feel those same deep wounds of abandonment and loss. So as you can tell…its a lot to hold on the daily.
I also find it hard to relate to other mothers who haven’t had to deal with the deep internal struggles I have.”
— ML
“Since learning more about my birth mother, I feel a profound sense of grief for her and myself. Unlike my daughter, I entered the world as a ‘mistake’. My poor birth mother felt she had no other options other than to ‘place’ me up for adoption. Her grief likely impacted her in unseen ways as she passed away at 26 from leukemia.”
— Lisa
“It’s shaped every inch of it. Years before I had my daughter, being adopted shaped how I viewed family and whether I even wanted to be a parent. When I had a miscarriage during my first pregnancy, I thought constantly of my birth mother—what she must have felt and gone through. When I became pregnant again, the fear of loss and separation came instantly. That fear is still lingers. There are nights I can’t sleep because I’m scared of what could happen if I close my eyes.Being in reunion as a mom has added new layers of grief. I now understand what my birth mother lost. I’ve also seen how adoption continues to affect my daughter like missing family medical history, lost language and culture. We’re reclaiming what we can, but the grief of what we’ll never get back is real.”
— Rachel
The most consistent thread was how adoption shows up in motherhood daily. Adoption shows up in fears around loss, a hyperawareness of generational trauma, and the invisible labor of creating security where there was once disconnection.
What surprised you about becoming a mom as an adopted person?
Here, the common theme was trauma surfacing unexpectedly—even for those who thought they had “moved on” or healed.
“Everything surprised me about becoming a mom as an adopted person. I had no road map or idea of what to expect. I had no real tangible concept of what a mom was as I spent only 3 days with my own mom. I had no idea how much becoming a mom would trigger and activate all of the trauma, grief and loss that I had experienced. I had my children in my late twenties and early thirties so I was in a very different space than I am today.”
— Lina
"Motherhood has deepened my understanding of duality—grief and joy, fear and trust, all coexisting. It’s not about perfection, but embracing both the tough and beautiful moments with tenderness. This ability to hold opposing truths has been one of adoption’s greatest gifts, filling me with hope as I continue to grow in this journey."
— Sun Mee
"Something that surprised me about becoming a mom was just how difficult it was for me to bond. My brain constantly wanted to tell me my relationship with my son wasn’t permanent. I found that I had to work hard to cultivate my motherhood instinct and I don’t think I was prepared for that."
— Koko
“Honestly trauma surprised me. Before being pregnant, I just thought the past and the unknown was difficult to understand but for the most part I thought I grew from it…I was in “better place”..etc. So realizing the trauma of being separated from your mother and your family really was so foreign to me and then bam it hit me….
And then I couldn’t unsee it. It manifested into me having anxieties of leaving my baby and worrying when I didn’t have eyes on her and I realized wow, I didn’t just overcome it…I just had no words to bring to it. I was still very much dealing with all the abandonment, identity, and trauma.
Becoming a mom forced me to face the past and dig deeper. I realized I had a lot of mental health work to do and the difference is I felt compelled to, to be better for her and not have her experience what I had to experience with family separation.”
— ML
“As I look at my beautiful 25 year old daughter, I sense the love my birth mother felt. I also know the love my adoptive mother felt as she loved me and cared for me the best way she could. I hold space and compassion on this Mother’s Day for all in the adoption constellation. Compassion leads to healing and understanding for all who walk this journey.”
— Lisa
“How isolating and hard the first few months were. They say it “takes a village to raise a child,” but I’ve spent so much of my life unsure who my ‘village’ is. When my daughter was born, I was navigating reunion, estrangement, and language barriers and long distances. I didn’t feel like I had the kind of support I wanted.What also surprised me was how other people reacted. Some joked they “wanted to keep her” or “didn’t want to give her back.” A nurse once said, “No one wants to see you—they just want to see your baby.” Watching others hold her often felt like watching myself disappear—like watching my own birth mother be erased all over again.
I was surprised by how much trauma resurfaced. How much grief came with the joy. How lonely it felt. And how deeply adoption showed up in all of it.”
— Rachel
Whether it was bonding challenges, identity struggles, or intrusive fears, many were surprised by how becoming a mother resurfaced wounds they didn’t know were still there, but also how it gave them a reason to heal.
What do you love most about being a mom?
Across every response, joy, connection, and healing rose to the surface.
“There is so much that I love about being a Mom. I love watching my kids grow, getting to witness what they enjoy and are passionate about and learning from them. Being a Mom has been one of my greatest blessings.”
— Lina
"Becoming a mom has reawakened my sense of play and renewed my hope in humanity. Seeing the world through my son’s pure eyes and experiencing his boundless curiosity, wonder, and joy in the everyday fills me with a sense of awe and deep gratitude.”— Sun Mee
“What I love most is the way my son looks at me. I love being able to give him everything I never had and most of all I love seeing him become an amazing human being.”— Koko
"I love so much about being a mom, what I love most about being a mom is being silly and really extra with my little ones. Yes I love the nurturing and warmth but I absolutely love being like a little kid again, playing make believe and letting my silly self be a bit crazy and weird. It’s like it gives everyone in our house permission to be weird and silly because mom is. I can tell my kids feel so much freedom to express their emotions and their silly side, because there is so much laughter in our home."
— ML
“Being a mother was something I fantasized about growing up. When I learned I was expecting, the joy was indescribable. And in my heart, the idea that I would finally have someone in my life that carried my DNA was surreal.”— Lisa
“There’s so much I love about being a mom—our physical connection from pregnancy and nursing, our shared traits, and our emotional bond. I love watching her learn, playing with her, and just experiencing life together.It really does feel like a piece of my heart is walking around outside my body. But what I love most is knowing deep in my soul that our connection matters. To me. To my mother. To her mother. Being with my daughter feels like a kind of homecoming. It brings me joy I never knew was possible.”
— Rachel
Many shared a sense of mirrored healing and that loving their child brought something lost into the present. For some, it was the first time they saw their features reflected back. For others, it was the freedom to be silly, present, and emotionally safe in a way they never experienced growing up.
There is no single story of adoptee motherhood, but within these reflections, there are powerful connections: the ache of what was lost, the beauty of what’s being built, the unexpected ways our past shows up in the present.
To all the adopted moms: we see you. We honor you. And we’re holding space for everything this day brings. 💛
