What I Was Really Avoiding: Jay Barbanel on Adoption, Therapy & Healing
For years, Jay Barbanel thought therapy was for people who were broken. So he avoided it, until he realized the thing he was actually avoiding wasn't therapy, it was vulnerability.
Jay is an adoptee, writer, photographer, and the author of Finding Tico. Born in Costa Rica, he was adopted internationally alongside his older brother, and separated from him just a few years later, an experience that shaped Jay's life. Today, Jay writes and speaks openly about international adoption, sibling separation, reunion, and the parts of men's emotional health that rarely get talked about.
“Healing doesn’t make the pain disappear. It allowed me to stop organizing my life around avoiding the pain.”
We wanted to talk to Jay because his story doesn't stay in one lane. It moves through survival, therapy, masculinity, identity, and reunion.
In this interview, you'll hear Jay talk about:
His adoption from Costa Rica and the separation from his older brother that changed the course of his life.
Why he avoided therapy for years, and what he realized he was really avoiding.
The moment he almost turned back before his flight to Costa Rica
Returning to his birth country after decades away, reconnecting with his sister, and confronting the fear of not belonging.
Identity, belonging, and finding "genetic mirrors" for the first time
Why asking questions about your adoption doesn't make you ungrateful, it makes you human.
Survival vs. healing
One of the most striking parts of this conversation is how Jay draws the line between surviving and healing:
"Surviving and coping is kind of how you get through the day. Healing is understanding why some days are so hard."
For a long time, Jay believed that if he was functioning in life with his career, marriage, travel, then he must be healed. What he came to understand was different:
"Healing doesn't make the pain disappear. It allowed me to stop organizing my life around avoiding the pain."
You’ll hear this important pieces of this shift throughout his interview. Watch the full conversation now to hear Jay walk through all of it, in his own words.
Whether you're an adopted person, a family member or friend of an adopted person, or simply hoping to better understand the lifelong impact of adoption, Jay offers an honest and deeply thoughtful perspective on identity, family separation, reunion, and healing.
If Jay's story resonates with you, you can also read more of it in his memoir, Finding Tico, and follow along with his work on Instagram @_findingtico and @thatkidjay1.
